The Saturday Afternoon tidbit

Last few days have been pretty intense on the alcohol consumption scale... also, on the sleep deprivation scale. Woke up today, pretty sore from the activities of this week, not the least a result of the ridiculously heavy work hours lately.

And thus I awoke, inspired by my late afternoon readings of classy magazines for deadbeat men. Here's the latest rib-tickler:

Q. What's the difference between Kinky and Perverted?
A. When you're Kinky, you use a feather. When you're perverted, you use the whole chicken !

Classy!

Now that I have my 1% inspiration, its time for the 99% perspiration. And with the recent heatwave in this city, there's a chance I might actually get there!

Of Murphy & Hypocrates!

"and God said, Let there be light: and there was light."

....and then Murphy said, let that light be a train coming in your direction!

Its how I've felt lately. Every victory has been the beginning of a big fall. Light at the end of every tunnel has been a Bullet train rushing back. Its just been busy... work and outside of that.

Which is why I'm updating this blog at 4 in the AM. No, I'm not a serial killer.. I don't know why people equate that with staying up late. and no, I'm not intoxicated... well, maybe a smidgeon.. but whats a few pints between friends.. and bloggers :)

so did you hear the one about the two antennas? yeah, the wedding was alright, but the reception was fantastic..... !!!!!!!



Thank you.. great show tonight! Tonight's topic is hypocrisy.

So, Facebook is at an all time popularity high.. I'm on it.
Orkut seems quite popular too.. I'm on it
Hi5, the original... reasonably popular.. most of my friends are on it
Friendster.. the original facebook... most of my friends are on it.


all these tools to keep in touch with all our "friends" and "classmates" & "colleagues". and we do a damned good job of hanging out online.. .yet, most of the contact online tends to be with people who you end up seeing on a weekly basis anyway..

So, in this wireless world without borders... we know our "friends" across multiple continents, but how many of us know our neighbours?

don't look at me.. I know mine.. they contacted me last week, at 2am, when we were causing too much ruckus at my place. So, Hypocrates, don't look at me... I'm not who you're looking for... hey....I'm just The Canuck Engineer

A Pack of Smokes!

"So your blog is nice, but its so long" says the lady..

"take away the first part..and you got what she said"..say I, with a mischevious glance.

Boys will be boys.. even when they turn well beyond middle aged. Me... I'll always have the kid in me........ "that's what R Kelly said"... oh no!!!!

"So why is that you haven't updated it in the longest time", again the lady enquired.

This is like an FBI interrogation..except that instead of a big black guy wearing latex gloves, I have a young lady in my car asking me these questions. We're on our way to grab some sustenance... by that I mean, I'm going to grab some food, she's going to essentially watch, and my friends in the other car will do something in the middle...

Not really sure on how to answer that question. It isn't the first time since March that I've been asked that. Different variants of that have made it through by email, text and phone calls. An example has been "yo, your blogs pretty funny.. too bad it was just a one time thing".

NO! it wasn't.. its supposed to be an ongoing thing, except that i've let life's other vices get to me. Was it the extremely busy schedule at work that involved me working wee hours into the morning, including a dubious all-nighter? Check. Was it the co-ordination of an event on stage that was in shambles until the last minute, when we collectively managed to rescue it? Check. Or was it just that somewhere along the line, I just lost the motivation to write down my thoughts, and subject my acquaintances to my miseries? Bingo .. we have a winner!

"I don't know.. I guess I've just been busy" I half-truthed...."But I hope to start updating it again, now that you've brought it up"

"Yea, maybe you should.. Even since Law & Order, SVU cancelled its latest season, primetime TV just doesnt' cut it." said the girl.. I'm gonna refer to her as Smokes. No, she isn't a chain smoker, or a fire-swallower. Lets just say that SVU as a show rocks, and Smokes fits the description for reasons obvious to people in the know. I will never know :)

" Well, I write when I'm inspired.. which I suppose is when you dance"

"Umm .. I dance when I feel like.. not when you're inspired"

Sigh... suppose a stupid question.. suppose a smart ass answer

Smokes continues...."I have siblings who are way older than me. So I grew up in my own world, hanging out by myself, where I was the queen and the princess.. .the duckling and the swan....dancing in my own land, for myself.. and for my man.... my knight in shining armor"..

What would M. Night Shyamalan say?...... nope too cheesy.

Now, I can see DB#2 getting excited at the prospect if dancing for a man, sorry bud, it ain't quite like that. Smokes is clearly one of the most talented artists I've met, and she gave me a clue to where here talent came from.

"Well, I hope you continue the art... I know a lot of us contemplated a light when we saw that dance.... and we're all non-smokers"

"Aww shucks"... Smokes turned red-faced

There you have it though.... some of us work for ourselves..some for The Man....I guess some of us dance for ourselves...some for Some man....

In the world of analogies in the sea, it's interesting how we see a boat.. a mechanism for going from where you are to where you want to be... . Some see it as a rescue device for where you're drowning. Others treat is a vacation device, for when you're just surfing :) . Some think the boat is calling, other's wonder if they missed the boat altogether...Me... I can't sink nor swim... why do I need a boat.. I'm just the blogger.. I'm just The Canuck Engineer

Of Cadillacs and Escalades!

"Table for three please", I said..lying about the number in the party. It was two actually......but there is no heterosexual way to ask a beautiful hostess for a table for 2 guys... not when you're a guy :)

"We're a bit busy right now.. Bar good for you until a table opens up?" said the hostess.

"Yeah, sure, it works....", said I, relieved as I walked towards the bar with DB#2. DB#2, introduced as one of my co-workers early in this blog, has lately earned his name even more.

"DB", he says to me, "what's the call tonight?"

"I'ma stick to my Escalade. This place rocks those Margarita's like nobody's bizness" say I, as we chance ourselves upon a recently cleared booth in the restaurant area. I guess we're gonna get seated in the restaurant after all

Score! and the waitress walks by right at that point... "why don't you guys have a seat, and I'll come by in a minute.. Do you guys want anything to drink?"

DB#2 jumps at that "I'll have an Apple-tini...heavy on the Apple, light on the Tini"....

The waitress writes it down.. suppressing her smile

"I'll have the Escalade please", I chuckle.

"Escalade? whats that?" the perplexed server squeals.

"Escalade!.. its a large Cadillac. in fact, its the largest Cadillac" my smile growing bigger.

"Stop! Are you guys pulling my leg cuz I'm blonde?" server speaketh.

lol.. that's awesome, I think to myself.

"Nope, we've ordered it in the past. Cancel the 'tini, I'll take one of those actually", chimes in DB#2.

"Ok, I'm gonna go ask the bartender, and if its not a real drink, I'm gonna hunt you guys down", smiles our server, to DB#2, enjoying a little lighthearted moment at the end of her shift.

"Yea, sure... and If you need it, I know where he lives. The judge asked him to let the entire neighborhood know when he moved in", I quip.

This is one of my favorite lines of all time. Usually most people don't get it quite then. But they laugh it off, with a confused look. and then it dawns on them.. and their expression changes for a short second. Absolute devestation. and then of course, they see the humour in there. I love watching the expressions change..and that's what I did to our server too.

She caught on quite soon though. She chuckled that comment away,
"Do you guys do this all the time?" the server says, now realizing our whole act.

"Since 2005, tormenting servers far and wide!", we both chuckle. Our server's cool. She's earned her tip already.

We get our drinks, and clink our glasses. Its been busy at work lately, some liquor after work is a welcome break. I sip the margarita, marvelling, enviously, at the life of the worm that may have resided in that bottle of Tequila, from which my drink was made.

I smile at the fact that I'm envious of a worm! Maybe I am a worm at heart... Maybe I am ..The Canuck Engineer

The World's a Stage..

All the world's a stage
and all men and women merely players...

Truer words may never have been spoken.. or written, as the great Bard Shakespeare once did. In spite of this huge production that we all involuntarily seem to be a part of, a lot of us like to voluntarily be part of a production to be delivered on stage. Whether its film, theatre, music or a combination, way too often the players don't pay attention to the next line in this great poem..

They have their exits and their entrances...

The Canuck Engineer was recently involved in a small part of a big event all being performed on stage. Now, by "involved", I don't mean how Tom and Katie are involved. I wasn't jumping on no couches on a talk show.. although I was seated on a couch as part of a make believe Talk Show that I was hosting. Great Segue, I know, but that's a whole different post.

Having been involved in about 3 productions in the past year and a half, and having sat through a couple more, I'm listing a few things that productions should not have...ie cases where the players should know their exits and entrances :)

You might be part of a poor production if:

1. The Host of the show and the EmCee of the show are two different people
2. All the Microphones have a range limited to a 3 square foot area on one end of the stage.
3. That end of the stage is not lit...and the mikes squeal because they're too close to the speakers
   
4. The EmCee of the show promises that the show "will get better in the next few hours"
5. The Show lasts for the next few hours!
6. The EmCee begs the audience to return after the intermission.
   
7. The audience starts applauding midway through the performance of an artist in an attempt to get him to end the segment
8. If the artist takes the above to be appreciation, and further elongates his act!
9. The Emcee starts making shadow puppets on stage, in order to while away the time!
   
10. For the end credits, the Host asks for "The talent to appear on stage"... all the participants look around confused trying to figure out who the stage manager is referring to!
    
11. When you exit the theatre, you have escort service flyers clipped to your windshield wipers!

fyi, none of the above is fiction. All of it happened as part of a couple of productions that went down recently. well almost all of it. The escort flyers weren't exactly clipped to my car when I came out of the theatre, I had to steal them off another car's wipers !!

After all, I AM the Canuck Engineer!

Who's the boss?

When the human body was first made, all the parts wanted to be " The Boss."

The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while The Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the Story:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Corporate Lessons

Musing #1

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Corporate Lesson#1

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. !!!

---

Musing #2

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

Bull : "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Corporate Lesson#2

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

---

Corporate Musings

Like I mentioned earlier, I've been swamped at work. I'd love to do this all day, but it takes a computer and DSL connection for me to update my blog. For me to support those things, I sorta have to go to work and earn my paycheque. Every six months, they pretend to review me and thrown a nickel my way. Its that time again, maybe they'll reward my hardwork and toss a dime my way this time around.. and no, I did not mean dime bag. Yes, I know I'm a Canuck, we're not all potheads :)

All this work stuff had me reminiscing about the days when the Internet was new, and forwarded emails were the rage. Remember all those emails which Bill Gates was tracking and would pay you $5 for each forward? How about the one about the kidneys getting mysteriously removed? And of course the famous Nigerian Prince who wanted to give you a few billion to help him out. ah, those were the days.

In between those forwards, there were a couple of pretty funny ones. Given the time of the year, I thought sharing some of these might be appropriate. Note that, while this blog is usually all original content, the next couple of posts are attributed to anonymous wisemen. Men who were wise and funny...a far cry from me.. The Canuck Engineer

Back for Good!

its been a while since I updated this blog.. Sorta got caught up at work, and did this one other event. Between the two of them, I barely had time to breathe.. my laundry hasn't been done since then either.. yes, I own a tonne of underwear.

I'm also half-kidding. I have been swamped over the past few months, and I've been meaning to update the blog, it just hasn't happened though. Its gonna happen now :)

The Canuck Engineer is glad to be back!