Can you speak English??

So its Monday evening and I drive home from work, and decide that it would be awesome to get me some Prosciutto cuts for lunch the next day.

and so I head to Ralph's, and place my order for the best thing since sliced....prosciutto!
"A quarter pound please", says I to the deli guy.
"A half-pound?", yells Mr. Deli
"Yes!!!"

So, half a pound heavier, I walk across the store looking for some Ziploc bags. Why Ziploc bags? Well, its a lot more convenient carrying a sandwich in a ziploc than wrapped in Paper Towels (which is what I've done most of this week). now why would anyone carry their lunch in paper towels? Well, long story short, when Spades moved out he asked me what I wanted left in the kitchen, and i said.. "umm, I really don't need much in there, so take most of it away".

Welll he did. "Most of it" included Ziploc and aluminium foil!!

So I hustle across the store, at a pace I thought was brisk, but one I promptly reconsidered when I was passed by an old lady on her scooter. So I stop in amazement pondering my speedwalking skills, as I browse at the aisle boards wondering looking for a sign that says "Ziploc"...

So I'm standing there browsing, in vain, when this guy comes up to me.... (I've noticed in most stories, it's always a guy coming up to me. For some reason, the gender never changes, despite my many experiences. Hmm, clearly a coincidence!)

"Excuse Me, but can you speak Spanish?"
With my chest all puffed out because I did take a Spanish 101 course in college, I was about to thunder a yes, but my modesty got the better of me and made me say "Sorry, can't really speak much Spanish".

"Oh, well, can you speak English?"

huh.. .can i speak english? I'm pretty sure he asked me this question in English, and we did have a conversation that lasted greater than 10 seconds. Now I know i've been mocked and ridiculed for speaking like a Canadian, but surely I thought, it should have been clear that I did speak a language resembling English.

then i wondered, if he was referring to British English....Hmm.. queen's tongue, innit?

I ruefully reflected at my time in Nigeria... all those years speaking Pidgin english... did I really screw up the language that much?

and then I started regretting all the Eminem raps I had listened to and memorized over the years... sheesh, I wish I had never listened to Lil Wayne!! today's youth is indeed losing their language skills.

and then a smile broke on my face... ha.. i was still part of today's youth...I ain't over the hill yet.. score.. the day just got better.

"Well Do you", repeated my newest grocery store acquaintance.

"uhh.. yes, I think I do speak English and atleast half of the time people do understand what I'm trying to say. You see I am quite emphatic with my body language" said I, frantically waving my arms in an attempt to ensure buddy realized I could hold my own in English-off!

"ooh, that's reaallly good that you can speak English".

My mommy woulda been proud... I'd like to thank the jury..........

He continued.."You see, I am looking for people who can speak English to help me with my business....".

Oooh business opportunity. see, being youthful bears many rewards!!

"....and you can keep your existing job, and just work in your spare time and make up to 500 dollars a month!" He seemed quite proud of the offer.

hmmmm...I knew what this was.. This was no talent scout evaluating my public speaking skills...He wasn't even considering my vast knowledge of rap artists and other pop culture (did you know Eminem was actually named Marshall Mathers, and that Eminem is really just M&M, except he didn't want a moniker that would have people craving chocolate candy?)..

Nope, he was just looking for another scapegoat for his multilevel marketing venture... (Ralph dude, not Eminem.. pay attention here guys!!)

"So are you interested in joining my team?"

wow, that was an offer I could hardly refuse... but I sighed loudly, looked around to see the couple of people that were staring at us, with a rather bemused look.

"Sorry champ, I like to spend my spare time learning Spanish, so that I could do the people of California a favor by being able to converse in more then just one language, thus improving the socio-economic relations between the Hispanic and Caucasian Communities. Once I have done that I would like to do my part in settling the rift between Republicans and Democrats, especially in a state like California, but first things first, i need to focus all my energies on figuring out how to resolve the BP oil spill and keep the fishes from sleeping with the fishes"

He looked a little confused.

"So are you not interested?"

"Oh i'm very interested, but you said I could keep my day job, and at this point, I would like to find a day job that I can be happy keeping, so I could do something else in my spare time so that if people say to me ' Get a real job', I could tell them I have a real job and I have this job, which means I have two real jobs, ie I'm twice the hard worker they were. "

"Hey man, why are you messing with me, if you don't wanna work with me, just say so.. So would you like to know more?"

"I am always looking to increase my knowledge of other employable sectors. what kind of benefits do you offer? you see I only get 80% dental, but that doesn't cover grills and I really want platinum grilles that spell "C A N U C K"... would you be able to subsidize my cost for that?"

"uh, we don't really offer any benefits. Its a part time job, where you market these products to other people on the internet"

"well, if its all on the internet, why do I need to know how to speak English, could I not just type english, or use google translate for that purpose. Anyways, what are your company's policies on paternity leave? Do they have to be my kids, or can I take some time off to see my cousin's newborn kid whose videos are oh so adorable?"

"Man, why are you messing with me. I can't offer you any benefits.. but you could make 500 dollars a month, meeting other people and getting them to join our business"

by this time I had taken a slice of the proscuitto ham out of the bag, and as I was gnawing on what used to be a pig, I mused "I'm really strapped for cash, do you think I could get an advance on that 500 dollars to pay for this delectable deli meat tonight, and then we can continue our discussions next week?"

at this point he didn't even respond. He shook his head, handed me his card and walked away with out uttering a word.

Success!!

I'm quite excited today... its the first time ever I was interviewed at a grocery store, and I think I got the job!

-The English-speak Canuck Engineer